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compared with even worse half as many 10% longer one of the best
as famous as twice as likely significantly happier a little more
HOW TO LIVE FOREVER: 8 golden rules
Rule 1 Don’t live in Iceland. With long dark winters, sub-zero temperatures and active volcanos, it has the (1) suicide rate. Move to Palm Beach, Florida, where you have a (2) chance of living to be over a 100 – like the rest of the residents.
Rule 2 Don’t go to Johannesburg. It’s the murder capital of the world. Statistically, it’s (3) dangerous than Sāo Paolo or New York. Milan’s (4) but try not to breathe. The pollution’s (5) than in Mexico City.
Rule 3 Don’t get sick in Equatorial Guinea. There’s only one doctor to every 70,000 patients and no anesthetic. If you have to be ill, be ill in Kuwait. It has (6) death rate in the world. Only 3.1 people per thousand die annually, (7) 11.2 in Britain.
Rule 4 If you’re a man, think of becoming a woman. On average, women live (8) than men. If you’re a woman, stay single. Crime figures show women are (9) to be killed by their partner than anyone else.
Rule 5 Smoke one cigarette a day. It won’t do you much harm and, according to some doctors, it’s (10) ways of avoiding senility in old age.
Rule 6 Drink red wine – in moderation. (11) red wine drinkers suffer from heart conditions as white wine and beer drinkers. Drinking all three is not an option!
Rule 7 Become a ‘chocoholic’. Chocolate isn’t good for you, but releases chemicals in the brain that make you (12).And it’s a medical fact that happiness prolongs life.
Rule 8 Die young and famous – like Elvis, James Dean and John Lennon. People will keep believing you’re still alive. Even if you can’t be (13) Marilyn Monroe or Kurt Cobain, you can be (14) careful than you were. No sex, no drugs, no rock ’n’ roll. You won’t actually live longer. It will just seem like it.
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